Book Excerpt
"If My Kid’s So Nice…
Why Is He Driving Me Crazy?"
by Dr. James D. Sutton
Chapter 7: The Quick Fix (pgs 69-76)
Reprinted by permission of the authors from "If My Kid’s So Nice…Why Is He Driving Me Crazy?" All rights reserved. This may not be reprinted without the express written permission of the author © 1999 Dr. James D. Sutton

It is entirely possible to resolve difficulty with the oppositional and defiant youngster in a relatively short period of time, sometimes in a matter of hours. That’s the good news. The bad news is that it rarely happens, not because it is especially difficult, but because people can be so difficult.

Luke

Years ago a friend read some materials that I had prepared for a teacher/counselor training session. She was amazed to discover that my description of the oppositional and defiant child fit her eight grade son perfectly.

The "Quick Fix" Formula

When it comes to the issue of healing, I don’t speak lightly of cures; no one should. And yet Luke’s parents certainly considered this simple "formula" to be nothing short of a miracle from the changes, permanent changes, it produced (the formula is summarized in Figure 7-1)

Finally, I told Mom to be patient.
The truth might be very difficult for the boy to identify and share. With patience, however, the truth should come.

I saw her the next morning, a bit bleary-eyed, but obviously pleased. She related how she andher husband sat down with Luke at about 7:00 p.m., and told him that they really wanted to know what was bothering him. To this question he immediately replied, "nothing – nothing is the matter" (denial is the first response).

But they stayed with that. A few minutes past 11:00 p.m., Luke blurted out, "I’m sorry, Dad. If you really gotta know, I just can’t stand it whenever you yell at me!"

Dad was shocked – and hurt. But he handled it like a trooper. Much to his credit for the ultimate healing that followed. Dad put his feelings aside and focused on his son.

His response:

"Son, what you said hits me like a shot. I thank you for telling me, though, because I very much need to hear it. Luke, you are more important to me than life itself. I would never deliberately do anything to hurt you. I cannot promise you that I will never again raise my voice at you, but now thatyou have made me aware of it. I will certainly work on it. Son, I am deeply sorry, and I ask for your forgiveness."

Luke’s forgiveness of his father was swift and genuine.
A relationship was repaired in less than five minutes. Grades and schoolwork, as well as compliance in even doing chores around the house, improved overnight. It was as if a miracle had taken place.

The Real Miracle

The real miracle in this family story was Dad’s exceptional willingness to take a risk and put some genuine caring ahead of his own needs to direct and control. In this case it paid off. In a paradoxical sort of way, Dad’s ability to put Luke’s needs ahead of what he himself wanted enabled Dad to get exactly what he wanted. He gave a little but he gained everything.

Why It Worked

Luke’s folks made a great deal of progress with their son that night for the following reasons (summarized in Figure 7-2)

Reason #1:
They demonstrated that they cared about Luke. Although Luke already knew that his folks loved him, their restatement to him of their affection was important.

Reason #2:
They were patient.
Today it’s almost unheard of that a set of parents would spend four hours trying to reach a defiant son or daughter. Most would have given up long before 11:00 p.m.

Reason #3:
The issue seemed to be an isolated one. In other words, there was not a lot of excess emotional baggage that had been piling up over the years. In spite of the fact that Luke really didn’t like it whenever his father raised his voice at him, there were positive things going on in the relationship.

Reason #4:
They were willing to make themselves vulnerable.
No one wants to admit they made a mistake, but those who can will enjoy better relationships. They will also sleep better at night.

Reason #5:
They considered Luke’s needs before their own.
In the long run, this is probably the main reason why the boy finally voiced the problem. When parents are in conflict with a child, it is very difficult at times to put the youngster’s needs first. The rewards are excellent, however, for those parents who can actually do it.

Change Is Possible

Parents, and even teachers and counselors, of youngsters lke Luke (and Doug, Linda and Kevin from Chapter One) should take heart. Change is possible, although it usually takes a bit longer. The next chapter will focus on elements of adult-child relationships that must be in place for change to work.

FREE Excerpt: Chap 7:
The "Quick Fix"
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Mariaemma Willis, M.S., and Victoria Kindle Hodson, M.A., have written a sensitive, thought-provoking book that honors and celebrates the unique learning styles of all children. In this interview hosted by Joe Spataro, the authors discuss their ideas on ADD, ADHD, dyslexia, homeschooling, afterschooling as well as an easy to follow way to assess your child.

If My Kid's So Nice... Why's He Driving Me Crazy?:
Straight Talk About the 'Good Kid' Disorder
by James D. Sutton

From the author, James D. Sutton, "A book about kids who seldom hurt anyone, but annoy everyone  As a classroom teacher who later became a child and adolescent psychologist, I was both intrigued and annoyed by those youngsters who made noncompliance their "speciality." These kids were oppositional and defiant long before we had a category to put them in. In many ways they were good kids; they didn't hurt anyone, but they annoyed everyone! Although "If My Kid's So Nice ... Why's He Driving ME Crazy?" discusses Oppositional Defiant Disorder, my main objective in writing this book was to address the behaviors of those youngsters who might not be ODD yet, and what we can do with and for them. We have many youngsters who will probably never be formally diagnosed as ODD, but their behaviors are a problem, just the same. One rather unique focus of this book is the chapter on compliance at school; it's by far the largest of the 17 chapters. "

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