Joe:
Social life for kids is becoming increasingly dangerous. In a previous generation, a punch in the nose is now being replaced with a gunshot wound. The issue of the bully has taken on new ominous proportions. Do you have any advice for parent whose children come home and say that they are the victims of bullies?

Michele:
Some of the toughest problems parents must deal with happen right on the school playground where teasing, bullying and mean-spirited kids abound. There seems to be an epidemic of mean-acting kids these days. In fact, the National Education Association estimates that 160,000 children skip school every day because they fear being attacked or intimidated by other students. While we can’t prevent the pain insults cause, we can lessen our kids’ chances of becoming victims – and even better, we can mitigate the effects of teasing and bullying our children.

What can you do if you child becomes the target of a bully?
The best thing to do is to teach them how to deal with their tormentors. Doing so will also show them there are ways to resolve conflicts without losing face or resorting to violence as well as boosting their confidence. The next time your child is upset from teasing, here’s what you should do:

1. Listen and gather facts.
   The first step is often the hardest for parents: listen to your child’s entire story without interrupting. Your goal is to try to figure out what happened, who was involved, where and when the teasing took place, and why your child was teased. Unfortunately, teasing is a part of growing up, but some kids seem to get more than their fair share of insults.
2. Teach a bully-proofing strategy.
   What may work with one child may not with aother, so it’s bets to discuss a range of options and then choose the one or two your child feels most comfortable with. Here are five of the most successful strategies experts say help kid defend themselves:

• Assert Yourself.
  Teach your child to face the bully standing tall and using a strong voice. Then name the bullying behavior and tell him to stop doing it: "That’s teasing. Stop it," or "Stop making fun of me. It’s mean. Cut it out."
• Question the response.
  Respond to an insult with a non-defensive question: "Why would you say that?" or "Why would you want to tell me I am dumb (or fat) ad hurt my feelings?"
• Use "I want."
  Teach your child to address the bully beginning with "I" and then say the problem and what she wants to happen, i.e. "I want you to leave me alone," or "I want you to stop teasing me."
• Agree with the teaser.
  Consider helping your child create a statement agreeing with the teaser. Teaser: "ou’re dumb." Child: "Yeah, but I am good at it," or Teaser: "Hey, four eyes." Child: "You’re right, my eyesight is poor."
• Ignore it.
  Bullies love it when their teasing upsets their victims, so help your child find a way to not let their tormentor ge to them.

3. Rehearse the strategy with your child
   Once you choose the technique, rehearse it so your child is comfortable trying it. The trick is for your child to practice it, so he can deliver it assuredly to the bully. Explain that though he has the right to feel angry, it’s okay to let it get out of control. Besides anger just fuels the bully.
   Try the CALM approach with your child:

• Cool Down
  When you confront the bully, stay calm and in control. Don’t let him thionk he’s getting to you. If you need to calm down, count to 20 slowly inside your head or say to yourself, "chill out."
• Assert Yourself.
  Try the strategy with the bully just like you practiced.
• Look at the teaser straight in the eye.
  Appear confident, hold your head high and stand tall.
• Mean it!
  Use a firm, strong voice. Say what you feel but don’t be insulting, threaten or tease back.

Common Mistakes Parents Make About Bullying

• Not taking the children’s bullying complaints seriously – your child could be hurt.

• Telling the child, "Just tell him to stop." Bullies rarely just go away; kids need to learn ways to deal with them to stop their abuse.
• Advising kids to hit back. Aggression amongst kids can escalte quickly over very minor issues, and too many kids at every level are acrrying weapons.

I hope that that this advice will help you along the parenting path – making your child competent, responsible and confident.

Joe:
Thank you, so much Michele and I hope that our readers will get a chance to participate in our ParentTalk discussion group and get the opportunity to ask a few questions and listen to our discussion.

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